Funny Bar Jokes

Thursday, August 15, 2013

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Working Cards at ATMs

One day in line for the automatic teller I overheard:

[Person 1]: Gee, I don't get it..

[Person 2]: What's wrong?

[Person 1]: My card wont work.

[Person 2]: Did anything happen to it?

[Person 1]: I don't think so... It wasn't working very well for a while, so I rubbed the strip on the back with a magnet to recharge it... Now it isn't working at all!

God Story

Monday, August 5, 2013

One day boy wanted One hundred dollars terribly. He prayed for more than week but no interesting thing happened.
He then made a decision to create God a letter asking a One hundred dollar. Once the postal authority of USA realized that someone has addressed his letter to  
God, they
decided to send it to President Bush.
The President amazed as well as interested and he
instructed his admin to send the little child a $5.00 money voucher.
President Bush thought this could appear to be a lot of cash with a
little boy.
The small boy was thrilled using the $5.00 and sitting into create any
thanks take notice in order to be able for you to help God, which examine:

Beloved God,
Thanks to you regarding delivering the money, however, I seen
which for whatever reason you had to deliver it by means of California D.C.
and also, as usual, individuals thieves subtracted $95.00.

Leftovers Peanuts

Sunday, August 4, 2013

A priest was visiting an old Lady in her home. She offered him coffee and they sat down in the living room for a nice chat.  

After a while the man saw a bowl of peanuts at the side table. He asked the old Lady if he could have one. She said of course, help yourself.  

After a little while he took some more and she just smiled. So when he wanted even more he said: I am eating so many of your peanuts, I hope it is OK. 

She answered him:  Eat them all if you want! I cannot chew them with no teeth so I have just sucked of the chocolate on all of them.

Child Funny Stories

Saturday, August 3, 2013

One day a small kid is asking his mom about,
"how man take part of the world first time?" 

Mom : My Son, First God make a lady called "Eva" and a man called "Adam" and they had babies and we are here due to result of them. It was a chain process. 

Son : But mom father says a different thing, He told me that we are coming from apes and they are our ancestors.  

Mom : My Son, Absolutely what happened is, he told you about his family background and I am talking about mine.

An Honest Lawyer

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Mr Rabbit and Mr Bear

Friday, August 2, 2013

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. 

One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each. 

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. 

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. 

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then Mr. Bear And Mr. Rabbit 7 wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. 

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. 

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wishthat Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

How to Catch a Rabbit

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

 

The CIA goes in.

They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.

 

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.

 

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: 

"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"